Is dating emotionally unavailable men a thing? It was the first question I had to ask before writing this blog. The answer is “Absolutely!” I don’t know of anyone, including married couples, who don’t have their guard up. The heart is a vital part of the human anatomy and we should protect it.
However, we go through a lot of pain before we put up the ultimate shield, but once we do, it may take an act of Congress to remove it. A man who’s emotionally guarded goes through much of the same agony as a woman. If you keep reading, you’ll find out what I’m talking.
The experience has to hit hard for a man to retreat. When he “hits rock bottom,” he’s not open to date right away, not seriously anyway. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, especially to new people. However, he probably has a good heart and is worthy of waiting for and working for.
The road ahead may be rocky but if you’re willing to help him work it out, you must understand a few things first. Remember how you felt dealing with a broken heart and give him some time and space. The experts have this relationship advice to share.
Dating Someone with a Guarded Heart
One of the first things you must do is let him chase you, dear. Men love the chase still in this decade and I doubt it will ever change. If you’ve ever had a traumatic experience before, you know what’s it like trying to recover from it.
It could be an accident, a burn, domestic violence, or whatever the case may be. You think about that accident every time you see a car doing something abnormal. Or when someone raises their voice or gets angry in your presence, you’ll remember that day you were hurt.
You’re skittish in the beginning and no one blames you. Trust is a number one issue with anyone who’s been hurt before. Anyone new coming into your life will have to earn your trust.
Emotionally Unavailable Men Resist Change
If you find yourself loving an emotionally unavailable man, you have your hands full and I know from personal experience. Sometimes, you just have to let them know you’re there for them and let God. I mean, coming out the gate, he doesn’t trust you and he’ll likely be distant. So let him lead or he’ll ghost.
It’s not about you right now, ladies. It’s about the man so the relationship building has to be on his time. He has to decide when he wants to be bothered with anyone, not just you. It’s on his terms he hugs you, gets to know your levels, becomes intimate or even goes out on a date.
If you try and rush things or take control, you’ll upset his world. He won’t be able to fully trust you and may become more distant. Lawd, help you if you’re short-tempered, OCD or psycho girl. You won’t make it to third base with a guarded man if you’re any of those things.
Let Emotionally Unavailable Men Lead
If you can deal with him taking the lead however slow he may be, then you’re winning. But when you feel yourself wanting to get closer, take a step back. Don’t be the one who calls, don’t touch him, don’t send sext messages or pics, don’t initiate anything. If you do, you’re messing up!
You must let him do this. Stay patient, stay busy, and wait. He will call you and he will ask you out, but only when he’s ready. Don’t make him feel hurried or uncomfortable.
Now, I know what you must be saying and trust me, I didn’t appreciate the “treats” he was feeding me either and I let him know it. You still must stand your ground.
Don’t let him run over you just because he’s going through something. Talk to him calmly and let him know how you feel about stuff. Tell him you went through a lot of trouble to get those tickets and for him to change his mind at the last minute was not cool.
He may find your vulnerability and honesty attractive. It may open the doors of communication for you both. Now, he can comfort you and give him an opportunity to make the date up to you. However, you must be a big girl about this – there’s no pouting, no kicking or screaming. 🙁 .
Is He Emotionally Unavailable or Running Game?
If this man behaves indifferently after you put your cards on the table, stay firm. Don’t feel like you have to be the one to make up. Don’t reward him for misbehaving. Don’t call him or try to make contact in any way. Wait for him to call. If you’re hanging on to anger, tell him.
This will send him a clear message you will not play these games. Hold him accountable for his actions. It will also show him you’re not that girl. You need structure in your life.
Emotionally unavailable men will start to loosen up just a little bit and start to see women on their terms now. You haven’t made it to home base yet, but you’re batting a thousand.
If you are like me, I was extremely happy to have him in my life. I was ecstatic to see him on the weekends he came to visit and when he called. The experts tell me I should have rewarded his good behavior and I did try. But he kind of needed to show up when he said he would.
Dating this guarded man was difficult, but not impossible, if only he let me. I can’t tell you how it hurt to let him go, but it was either his heart or mine. Since I’m a guarded woman, I had to protect my heart.
I wasn’t getting anywhere with him and felt he was one of the emotionally unavailable men who cheat. How could he ruin my relationship with him? Yeah, I knew we hadn’t gotten to that point yet, and if he was seeing other people, we never would. [sigh, “Becky” was earning my man.]
Emotionally Unavailable Men Are Distant
If he wasn’t cheating, then he was too emotionally distant. We knew each other in high school and had seen each other around so we weren’t strangers. Trust shouldn’t have been an issue but we had only been flirty friends before. There was so much we didn’t know about each other.
Well, at some point, I did have a few emotional spasms. Yeah, he came at me wrong one day and I nutted up on him. He fired back only to say he didn’t like drama. I assured him “this” wasn’t drama. In his silence, I should’ve remained calm, however, but I didn’t and I blew it.
My temper is nothing to be proud of and some say because of it, I’m not “marriage material.” I’m sure he was thinking what has he gotten himself into and that I was a psycho! Well, I earned my title, learned my lesson and now I know how to deal with an emotionally unavailable man.
Emotionally Unavailable Men Need Time
Most emotionally guarded individuals spend time alone. We enjoy the peace and quiet and would rather not meet any new friends. After all, we don’t know who to trust. With this in mind, they say we attract what we are.
If this is the case, you could end up dating emotionally unavailable women. Having said that, you could both spend more time apart than together, sadly.
Remember, he doesn’t rush in. You shouldn’t either. Most guarded people are scared when they find themselves actually liking and wanting to be with someone.
Although we have been hurt before, we still want to be in love and to have it returned. It’s natural for us to want somebody to love in spite of our rocky pasts. The emotionally unavailable man keeps coming back to find that one true love he can trust wholeheartedly.
Emotionally Unavailable Men
One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable man is that he’s vague. He doesn’t reveal too much information right away. When you expect a call after the first date and don’t get it, relax. He may have had a good time, so don’t assume he doesn’t like you.
He just may be afraid to tell you how he feels. It’s not easy for a man to let anyone in after a major betrayal. They are just putting themselves first and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Are you dating an emotionally guarded man? What are you going through, trying to make sense of it all? I’d love it if you share your experiences about dating an emotionally unavailable boyfriend or girlfriend with us. You’ll be helping someone cope and that’s what sisters are all about. 😛