How to act on a second date? Dating is difficult especially for successful women of color. You wonder if it’s going to work so you second guess yourself because you’re not supposed to even think too far ahead just yet.
Usually, the first date gets you on the “maybe” track. And after the third date, you’re most likely already speeding on the “yes” track towards a potential relationship.
What not to talk about on a second date
The second date is the critical point that decides whether it’s going to float or fizzle. Here are some common things you really shouldn’t say to a woman on your second date, which according to Love Panky is totally different from your first date!
7“You’re the ____ person I’ve ever met.”
You think you are paying them a compliment, but there are some major pitfalls within this comment.
The first thing that comes to mind when I hear this question is either:
a) That’s obviously a lie, or
b) You’ve not met any interesting people at all.
Am I right?! I know I am. (haha) It’s another Hollywood cliché. We’ve just had one date. You don’t know me yet, so I’m sure I’m not the ______________ woman you’ve ever met.
Even if it happens to be true, there is no way you can possibly be sure at this point.
Save this for when you actually know the woman sitting across from you — maybe when you suggest becoming exclusive — and it has the potential to be very romantic, but it’s not one of the things to talk about on the second date.
In the rare case, you’re certain your second date is the most amazing woman you’ve ever known, look into her eyes and let your eyes speak to her soul. That kind of intense admiration is hard to miss, and can be very disarming!
6Anything starting with “You seem …”
I cringe a little whenever I hear how I ‘seem’, or how I ‘must be.’ Nothing good can follow this statement. The best case scenario is you’re trying to say something nice about me or attempting to flirt with me.
The worst case is, well, basically all other cases you can’t think about what to say and just try to make an observation.
Even if it’s a compliment, it stresses me out a great deal because I suddenly feel the need to live up to the unfairly placed expectations. If it’s not a compliment, I feel like a test subject being studied in a lab instead of on a second date.
If you don’t know what to talk about on the second date, check out Pinterest for ideas. (It was just a joke, but they do have the best ideas for everything!) Seriously, just ask questions.
Try not to make any assumptions, although your date will appreciate your efforts in getting to know them.
Unless you met each other through dating sites specifically and explicitly catering to marriage-minded people, the second date is way too soon to be bringing up commitment-related issues.
The topic, otherwise, puts pressure on your whole dating scenario. With your statement of intentions, whether it’s for marriage or the opposite, even something casually mentioned in passing as innocent like “I want to settle down and have kids someday.”
Something vague like “I hate being tied down” can be very threatening and send them running for the hills.
Unless, it’s your intention not to get involved with someone who can’t accept your chosen lifestyle in the first place, in which case, kudos to you for being honest and not stringing them along, this is not one of the questions to ask on a second date.
4How much you make (or don’t make)
You’ve been told confidence is good, so you might think about talking about your success on your second date to show how much of a catch you are. But when you start dropping numbers, things get awkward really fast.
The old saying of “A true gentleman never discusses money” is still true today – at least to a certain extent. The same goes for gentlewomen, of course.
In almost all societies, this concept, whether you are aware of it or not, has been ingrained into the common consciousness. The need to talk about money suggests pettiness. It makes people wonder maybe you don’t have any loftier qualities to talk about.
Even indirect references to money and wealth like “I just got a raise” or “My grandpa left me a house” should be left out from second date conversations.
If you are expecting the first long kiss on a second date, the better way to go about it is to talk about the real non-monetary value of your work. Nothing is sexier than people who are passionate about what they do.
What you’re supposed to be selling right now is you as a person, so focus on talking about what you do, not what you have.
3How stupid society is
In this Age of Individualism, sometimes we feel the need to talk about where we don’t see eye-to-eye with the rest of society (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat).
Maybe it makes us feel a little bit less like sheep, but psychology aside, this is dangerous grounds to be treading on your second date.
Your date probably has a lot of people they know that are part of that ‘society’, so you really have no idea if you are going to be insulting someone they care about on the second date.
Try not to say anything objectively negative, so avoid words like stupid, idiotic, pointless, or ridiculous.
This doesn’t mean you have to lie. If you hate something, say so, but it is always better to start with “In my experience, I feel…”. It’s also better to say “I don’t seem to get…” if you really do think something is stupid. If your date disagrees, ask them to educate you.
2Your life story on a second date
In linguistics, there is a concept of taking turns in conversations for very obvious reasons! Turn-taking is not simply about alternating turns. It’s about the information conveyed in those turns.
If you spend a minute talking, and your date replies with one sentence, it’s not okay to then keep talking for another minute. Make sure you are getting as much information as you are giving on the second date.
Two questions to think about whenever you talk about yourself: “Will this be interesting for my second date?” and “How do I stop talking about myself and find a chance to ask them a question?”
To stop talking about yourself, you can simply be direct and say “Enough about me. I want to know about you!” And hopefully, you really mean it!
When someone says this honestly, it’s more flattering than any compliments they can give. It is a true honor when someone sincerely wants to learn about you.
1“Hey, can you do me a little favor?”
When I hear the question, “Hey, can you do me a little favor?” it’s pretty much over between us before it even started. This is perhaps the most tactless question to ask on a second date.
Nothing is really decided yet and I’m not even sure we are anything more than acquaintances. This should be common sense, but unfortunately, it’s not.
Someone once asked me to help find him a place to stay – with a full list of what he was looking for and a budget!
At this point, even when both of you seem to be hitting it off nicely, asking for a favor, no matter how small, is easily one of the worst 2nd date ideas ever.
Most of these come in a disguised form and start with “Do you know someone who can …?” No! This is a date and not a networking mixer!
It’s not about being unwilling to help people. It is about people who think it’s appropriate to ask people they don’t know well to do things for them.
The main purpose of the second date is for both of you to get to know more about each other, not for you to try to progress in other areas of your life.
Some people use favors as an excuse for yet another date, but a better way is to offer to do something for your date, not the other way round. Better yet, be brave and tell them you want a third date.
The hardest decision used to be what to wear. Got any second date ideas NYC? Now, there are so many things to remember to do or not to do, but thank goodness for articles like these sharing useful tips and advice on second dates.
However, these are not hard and fast rules for a good second date. There are always exceptions, and the more you know the person prior to going out on a date, the fewer of these points actually apply.
Still, it’s always worth keeping in mind that the best mindset to have on a second date is to be genuinely interested in learning about your date as a human being. The focus shouldn’t be on making good impressions or playing the game right.
Think of it as a chance to get to know another human being that shares this Planet Earth with you. That’s a privilege, and it’s beautiful.
Second Date Ideas
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